Magicyclops isn’t just a famous artist with fans across the globe, he’s an expert at the whens and hows of having a good time. Here are a few tips from the man in the headband concerning partying etiquette, just in time for St. Patrick’s Day. Be forewarned: he speaks in the third person.

Governments change, populations shift, planets are downgraded—poor, poor Pluto—but one constant remains: you need ideas for something to do over the weekend. We’re here for you, after the jump.

St. Patrick’s Day, that worldwide celebration of plastic green jewelry, corned beef and over-serving, is almost upon us—next Tuesday, in fact.

So, naturally, you’re trying to formulate a partyin’ plan in advance. Yet the choices—where to go? When to go there? Should I wear an oversized hat with a shamrock on it?—are many and difficult. Lean on iwantmyrocky for post-jump suggestions, friends, and thank us in three weeks when you’ve recovered.

While prepping your best flannel for the upcoming Neil Young gig, consider taking in a few of these upcoming shows to get you in the mood for some of that tasty feedback.

You’re probably like us–shopping online for Hummel figurines in a sweater cape, yes, but that’s not where we’re going with this—in that you’re constantly searching for something to do on the weekend. Don’t turn to such outmoded sources as “friends” and “co-workers” for ideas. Just follow past the jump for a few of our own, and remember: that Accordion Boy on Ebay is ours.

We heard it from so many of you: I loved to read the Rocky with my morning coffee. We’d like to recommend something a little stronger. And really, drinking alone is just sad — and frequently messy. Here are our five favorite places where someone else will mop up your spills — although not always right away. We realize this is a controversial subject, and you may have opinions of your own on this crucial matter. We’d like to hear them.